Totally Crazy?!

I might be totally crazy any making my life even more difficult. I realized Monday that my life was quickly becoming stressful and spinning a little more out of control than I'd like it to be, and yet it's all because of things I'm doing to myself.

Class Monday went well, we had a good discussion about inquiry in the classroom which was quite refreshing. We did find out that the paper that is due next class averages at least 20 pages long. We've been working on pieces of it all semester long, but the pieces that we have so far are rough drafts and add up to about 8 pages. Let's just say that stressed me out. Since that point I've gotten the interviews done with students that I needed to and they've been typed up, but I still need to analyse them and see how they fit into my research and what the heck I can actually say about it all.

I also decided to start tutoring a student on the side that I worked with the end of last school year. It's only an hour or two a week, which isn't a big deal really, just makes for a few slightly longer days, and a little bit of prep ahead of time to make sure I have some geometry stuff to work on in case he doesn't have a lot of homework that day or needs to review specific topics. It's great experience and work in general, it just makes me feel kind of crazy to be taking that on in addition to already working 3 jobs (aka about 55 hours a week).

At the same time my body seems to be rebelling against me. My headache has been slightly worse this week than the past few, which isn't saying a whole lot but it hurts. Seeing stars occasionally is scary, especially when I'm trying to be productive. And being in significant, constant, pain is draining physically and emotionally and it's making the stress of other things that much harder to deal with. I'm trying not to think about the pain and more importantly I'm trying to ignore it, and eat and use caffeine and sleep and all the other little things I know help a little bit, but it just doesn't seem to be working which scares me for the next few days because if this gets much worse I'm going to be stuck in bed, making writing a nearly paper impossible.

Emotionally I'm on an edge. Sometimes I'm fine and other times I feel like I'm in a hole. The mom of the boy I tutor was so nice to me tonight and really lifted me up. She kept telling me how great I was and joked about how she was searching for me and how I couldn't find another job for at least another year. It helped for sure. It's just really hard because right now I want to be happy, and I know I should be. I've got 3 jobs, a place to live and a loving family. But when I look at my life that's not when I see. I see the 1 job I don't really like, the fact that I don't have time to do anything with my "friends" and that I don't have a social life at all. It's hard to be optimistic after 6 1/2 years of pain. Do I think things are on the verge of getting better? Possibly, but at the same time there are so many other things going on in my life that I can't control it just seems hard to believe.

On a positive note, another thing to cross off the 25 before 25 list. I lost those pesky 15 pounds. It was mainly due to the medication I'm on. The side effect of appetite suppressant has made it pretty easy. It hasn't been the healthiest way to lose the weight I'm sure, but it's kind of a nice accomplishment.

The next few days are packed full of events...really just things to get done. Tomorrow I'm "teaching" an inquiry lesson with a few grad school classmates in one of their classrooms between jobs, and then getting dinner with my brother after work. Yep it'll be at 7-8:30 kind of day. Friday I've got school as usual and then we are doing a Math Night at one of the local elementary schools so I get to play games with kids all night. Then Saturday and Sunday it's work and paper writing!!