Another week of working a little over 50 hours. I tried to find time during the week to relax, and I occasionally succeeded, but it was a hard week.
Monday I had a professional massage which was probably the best thing ever! I bought a coupon for it online so it was 1/2 off and I had it scheduled for about a month now. I had almost forgotten about it, so when I went it was just a special treat between jobs. It felt amazing!! Having to go to work afterwards felt like a cruel joke, but it went fine.
Wednesday I caught up with a good friend between jobs in the afternoon. She wanted to look at shoes so we did a little shopping and then got coffee. It was nice to talk for a while. Then I worked until 7 and tutored for another hour until 8:30. Then my friends had the first bonfire of the season and I decided to skip a full nights sleep and go. Really I just wanted to be social and felt the need to be out of my own head for a little while, so I went over there and hung out for a while. I didn't get home until late. Let's just say running on 6 hours of sleep, especially in the middle of week probably isn't the best idea.
Thursday was a rough day is so many ways. It started out with the shower curtain falling down as I was getting out of the shower, and having to kill 2 spiders before even leaving my house, one of which was right near my towel as I got out of the shower, and the other in the kitchen while I was making my lunch... I am not a fan of spiders. The kids at school were okay, a little snippy in general but I got through my 5 hours there. Then I went to work at the city school. That's where everything seemed to fall apart. I ended up with a student crying (caused by another student looking at him). My group of kids got through the lesson but just barely and really didn't seem to learn much in the long run. It was kind of discouraging and at the end the director for the site asked if I wanted to switch groups with another teacher. It was just another reminder of how much of a failure I've been with these students. I know that this other teacher knows these students better because she works in the school and has known them for a few years. She tried telling me not to take it personally and that they are really hard kids and that it isn't my fault at all, but I can't help but thinking (and knowing) that I'm not doing enough for them. So come Tuesday I'll be switching and working with a different group of kids. I hate knowing that I couldn't handle this situation and help these kids. I'm also trying to tell myself that this will be a better situation for them and that the other teacher will hopefully be able to keep the one problem student in line better and make the group more manageable.
I walked out of that school feeling like a complete failure, as if I should just stop trying to teach. I made it to my car before crying, but even that I couldn't give in to for more than a few minutes because I had to go to work. I got to the learning center and worked with a couple of students for 3 hours. It was as if everything was falling apart. I was working with SAT students for a few hours, and it was my first time doing that so it was a bit of a learning curve. Plus I was running out of random supplies like graph paper and things that I borrowed from other teachers but I just felt totally off kilter. By 8pm I was pretty sure that I needed to go home, have a good cry and a drink. I talked to my Dad on the way home, which helped a little, I talked to a few other friends once I got home (and poured myself some wine) which helped and hurt. It was good to talk but it was also a reminder of how alone I really am. Most of the people I could talk to were online because they don't live close by. That's my own fault for keeping people at a distance, but when I have bad days sometimes it would be really nice to have someone close by to call up and get a hug from.
Friday was a little better. School was okay. I was still doubting my teaching ability in every way, shape, and form. Not to mention the fact that I was tired which made answering math questions that I had already done multiple times that week kind of boring. After school I stopped at the bank, then did laundry, continued to read the second book in the Hunger Games trilogy, and tried to relax a bit. That night I went to the lovely Jolly Rancher party my friends were having for a few hours. Having to work in the morning limits the amount of fun I could have. I did enjoy a little bit of the Jolly Rancher vodka that was made and socialized for a while.
Saturday morning I worked for an hour longer than I was scheduled because they needed someone to stay. All of the kids were pretty easy so I can't complain. During the middle of the day I came home, read for a while and tried to take a nap. Then I went to work at Old Navy from 6-10. Once I got home, I had a drink to relax, a few interesting conversations with people online and then crawled into bed.
This morning included work at Old Navy again 8-12 then shopping for clothes for the 80's party later this week (boy did I get a great outfit!) and then lunch and crashing again. I read for a while and then slept. I'm not sure what is going on but my body is not happy with me. My head is out to get me today. Despite the extra sleep and making sure to stay hydrated even small movements are making the pain significantly worse.
I'm having a hard time not thinking about things which is really annoying. There is a lot in my head, and I can't seem to logically work it out, but whenever I do think about it I just end up upset or frustrated by the lack of options, so I just try to ignore it. Kind of a vicious cycle.
I've got another long week ahead of me. Another 51 hours of work, but the 80's party is Friday night, and my friends going away fancy dinner party is Saturday night, so the weekend will be something to look forward to at least. Not to mention the fact that I only have 2 full weeks until spring break starts, which means 2 1/2 weeks until I'm in Michigan visiting friends.
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