You'd think after over 6 1/2 years of constant pain I'd know how to handle it and could just work through it and not let it effect me. As much as I wish that was the case it isn't true, which is why I am so frustrated right now. I will preface this whole post with this statement: it is a rant about and being in more pain than I can handle while wanting to be normal.
Today I worked 10-2 at Mathnasium and then 3-7 at Old Navy. Today was just long! I woke up feeling energized and in general pretty good. Work this morning just frustrated me because I couldn't focus on anything to save my life (and I have no idea why) plus I couldn't get the things I needed to done because my boss was in the way and not giving me time. In between jobs I ran a quick errand and then jumped right back into work at Old Navy. Now Old Navy is my "mindless" job. I truly enjoy working there because I have very little responsibility. I just have to be kind and help customers, fold/hang clothing quickly and properly, and make change accurately. It is simple and I work with some amazing people! My shift was fine, but by the end of it I was tired and didn't feel like looking for random things to do there since it was slow. Once I left I stopped at TJ Maxx to get a pot that would be big enough for me to make tomorrows meal in and then I went to Wegmans to go grocery shopping. I needed to get a bunch of stuff for the dinner I'm making tomorrow and for the week in general. By the time I got home it was 8pm.
Here is where the frustration comes out. A group of my friends were going to see live music tonight. I really wanted to be able to go with them. I'm trying to be more outgoing and to meet new people or at least see my friends more regularly. I got home and had to make a hard decision. Would my head let me sit through a few hours of loud music and I quickly figured out that the answer was no. I can barely handle the low music I have playing now and the fact that my light is on makes me want to hide. It isn't a migraine, but my body is attacking me for everything I am putting it through. I worked 60 hours this week, I averaged 6.5 hours of sleep a night, and the weather/pressure is changing which means that my body hates me. I'm so sick of being limited because of what my "head can handle." More than anything I want to be out with my friends right now, but I know I'd be miserable and that I wouldn't be able to function at all the rest of the night or most of tomorrow if I went. How is this a fair trade off? A few hours with friends for 24-36 hours of even worse pain. Why do I have to choose? I'm so sick of dealing with this. What I wouldn't give to be "normal" for a day. The only times I've been pain-free have been when I'm on strong medicine and can't function, which means it isn't anymore normal that being in pain. I'll be honest, I'm sitting here crying because I can't do what I want and because the pain is so bad. And the vicious cycle is that by crying I'm making my headache worse.
There are so many questions that I have regarding my headaches, especially when I'm put in situations like this. I try not to let them creep into my head. I've spent so long trying to ignore them and not let them run my life, but sometimes I just have to say it and get them out, if for no other reason than if they aren't just in my head and actually out there then maybe they won't plague me so much.
- Why do I have to deal with so much pain?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Is anything I try ever going to work?
- Is it worth it to just do what I want and be with my friends anyway?
- Is there a better way to handle the pain and the stress of it?
- What's the point?!
Tonight is just a bad night. I know that it will most likely get a little better soon. It'll go back to my normal level of pain by tomorrow or in a few days, but for tonight I'm just trying to make it through. I go to a new neurologist on the 26th. Do I think she'll find a magic cure or think of something new to try, not really, I just know I haven't seen one in 2 years and there is a chance that something might work. I'm honestly trying not to get my hopes up because it hurts even more to have them crushed when whatever new thing I'm trying ends up not working. I try to keep some form of hope and believe that someday I might find a way to escape the pain or have it go away completely but it is really hard to do.
I know this wasn't a happy post by any means and I'm sorry, but when all of your friends are out and can't talk, or listen, I needed to find a way to get some of these emotions out so that I didn't burst. Tomorrow I'm hosting my first of what I hope will be monthly meals for friends. I will be cooking a traditional Iranian stew and having friends over to enjoy it. I'm looking forward to sleeping in and actually having a full day off! Plus I get to cook and share a meal with friends. I know it will be a good day, and no matter what I will not let the pain get in the way.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Quick and easy read!
Today was particularly slow at school. For some reason Fridays are never quite as busy as the rest of the week. I was able to finish another book which was a plus!
The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han is a lighthearted book about what summer can hold for a young teenage girl. Each summer Belly goes to a beach house with her family and her Mom's best friend's family. The story is about the twists and turns that the summer of her sixteenth birthday holds. She flashes back to how past summers were and then details new friends, old loves, and sadness. It is a really easy, quick read. Pretty "fluffy" but it was a decent book. I probably won't read the other ones in the series but it was a good time filler.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The past few crazy days!
Wow have the past few days been busy. I feel like a lot has happened. The weekends always seem to fly by and as long as school days are they tend to be so full that I don't even realize how much I've done.
Monday I started my first graduate class at St. John Fisher College. I'm going to get my Masters in math education. The class I'm taking right now is called Inquiry in the Classroom. As much as that sounds like a vague and convoluted name for a class it is exactly what we are doing and talking about. Our first task was to get into groups of 3 or 4, go outside and using a bunch of seemingly random tools (meter stick, 16 ft of string, protractor, measuring tape, cup, straw, dry erase marker, and mirror) find the height of the steeple on top of one of the buildings on campus. They gave us an hour to find an answer and then we regrouped and shared how we found our answers with the rest of the class. It was nice to be given no real direction and "fend for ourselves". Later in the class we worked with other groups and made predictions and tested them in a lab about density, volume, and displacement of items in water. So far the course seems to be very student centered. It is a good reminder of how to work with students and help them to problem solve and think for themselves. And on a totally random note, 2 of the girls in my class (of maybe 20 people total) did gymnastics with me during high school... talk about a small world!
Not getting done with class until 9pm makes it nearly impossible to have a 10 o'clock bedtime. Once I got home I called my parents to ask a few simple questions which lead to an hour long discussion about work at school and at Mathnasium as well as my grad class. My mom is working in a kindergarten class this school year so it was fun to hear her talk about her kids and all of the activities she is doing in the classroom. I ended up venting about my frustrations at Mathnasium. The short version of that situation is that I have no real job description but am given work that needs to get done and basically told that it's my job. I'm slowly figuring out what I need to do to make the situation less stressful for me and yet still have a positive working relationship with my bosses. Needless to say after talking with my mom about the situation I was even more frustrated and stressed out about everything. I eventually made it to bed and was able to get a good nights sleep, but it was a very long Monday.
Tuesday was a long day of school/work. I'm slowly adjusting to running on between 6 and 7 hours of sleep a night. My body isn't thrilled about it and working 12 hour days doesn't help, but that will be ending soon. There are only 2 correlations I've truly found with my headaches. 1- If I get less sleep, my head hurts more. 2- If the weather is changing (mainly the pressure, ie a thunderstorm rolling through) my head hurts more. So not getting a lot of sleep plus weird Rochester weather has put me in slightly more pain the past few days, but that's life!
School has been going really well so far. I averaged 10 kids the first few days of school and Tuesday I had almost 30. It's been great seeing students again from last year. The math is mainly review for kids but some of them can't remember the basics. It's been nice to actually teach concepts and know students are understanding what they are working on. Once it gets busier this is harder to see, at least on a daily basis. On an even more positive note they have found someone to help me out during the day. This means that starting on Monday there will be 2 of us there for the lunch periods which are always busiest. I will work from 7:30-12:30 each day. While it is a cut in hours it will save my sanity by not leaving me alone with 15-20 kids who all need my help at the same time and by giving me a break each day between jobs. I'm excited to meet my new coworker on Monday and to see how it goes. Really, I'm just glad that the kids have somewhere to go during the day to get the help they need and that I get to teach algebra through pre-calc and AP stats!!
After work last night I was able to vent to a friend and get some good ideas about how to handle the situation at Mathnasium. It was good to just talk openly about the stresses in my life (work, headaches, moving etc.). I don't open up easily but I'm trying to work on that. Every once in a while I get pushed enough to let most of my thoughts out and I feel much healthier after those times. Last night was a reminder of that and it pushed me to face some of the things that are easier to keep buried deep inside my head and heart.
Today was a typical day, work at school and then work at Mathnasium. I'm really trying not to let me stress and frustration about things happening at work to impact my time with the students while I'm there. I think I've done a good job separating them so far, but I need to find a way to simplify what is happening there before the kids suffer.
The next few days should be pretty normal. I'm hoping to have friends over for a meal this weekend sometime and to hear from the place where I filled out an application for an apartment sometime soon. If I'm lucky I might even have a few hours to relax!
Monday I started my first graduate class at St. John Fisher College. I'm going to get my Masters in math education. The class I'm taking right now is called Inquiry in the Classroom. As much as that sounds like a vague and convoluted name for a class it is exactly what we are doing and talking about. Our first task was to get into groups of 3 or 4, go outside and using a bunch of seemingly random tools (meter stick, 16 ft of string, protractor, measuring tape, cup, straw, dry erase marker, and mirror) find the height of the steeple on top of one of the buildings on campus. They gave us an hour to find an answer and then we regrouped and shared how we found our answers with the rest of the class. It was nice to be given no real direction and "fend for ourselves". Later in the class we worked with other groups and made predictions and tested them in a lab about density, volume, and displacement of items in water. So far the course seems to be very student centered. It is a good reminder of how to work with students and help them to problem solve and think for themselves. And on a totally random note, 2 of the girls in my class (of maybe 20 people total) did gymnastics with me during high school... talk about a small world!
Not getting done with class until 9pm makes it nearly impossible to have a 10 o'clock bedtime. Once I got home I called my parents to ask a few simple questions which lead to an hour long discussion about work at school and at Mathnasium as well as my grad class. My mom is working in a kindergarten class this school year so it was fun to hear her talk about her kids and all of the activities she is doing in the classroom. I ended up venting about my frustrations at Mathnasium. The short version of that situation is that I have no real job description but am given work that needs to get done and basically told that it's my job. I'm slowly figuring out what I need to do to make the situation less stressful for me and yet still have a positive working relationship with my bosses. Needless to say after talking with my mom about the situation I was even more frustrated and stressed out about everything. I eventually made it to bed and was able to get a good nights sleep, but it was a very long Monday.
Tuesday was a long day of school/work. I'm slowly adjusting to running on between 6 and 7 hours of sleep a night. My body isn't thrilled about it and working 12 hour days doesn't help, but that will be ending soon. There are only 2 correlations I've truly found with my headaches. 1- If I get less sleep, my head hurts more. 2- If the weather is changing (mainly the pressure, ie a thunderstorm rolling through) my head hurts more. So not getting a lot of sleep plus weird Rochester weather has put me in slightly more pain the past few days, but that's life!
School has been going really well so far. I averaged 10 kids the first few days of school and Tuesday I had almost 30. It's been great seeing students again from last year. The math is mainly review for kids but some of them can't remember the basics. It's been nice to actually teach concepts and know students are understanding what they are working on. Once it gets busier this is harder to see, at least on a daily basis. On an even more positive note they have found someone to help me out during the day. This means that starting on Monday there will be 2 of us there for the lunch periods which are always busiest. I will work from 7:30-12:30 each day. While it is a cut in hours it will save my sanity by not leaving me alone with 15-20 kids who all need my help at the same time and by giving me a break each day between jobs. I'm excited to meet my new coworker on Monday and to see how it goes. Really, I'm just glad that the kids have somewhere to go during the day to get the help they need and that I get to teach algebra through pre-calc and AP stats!!
After work last night I was able to vent to a friend and get some good ideas about how to handle the situation at Mathnasium. It was good to just talk openly about the stresses in my life (work, headaches, moving etc.). I don't open up easily but I'm trying to work on that. Every once in a while I get pushed enough to let most of my thoughts out and I feel much healthier after those times. Last night was a reminder of that and it pushed me to face some of the things that are easier to keep buried deep inside my head and heart.
Today was a typical day, work at school and then work at Mathnasium. I'm really trying not to let me stress and frustration about things happening at work to impact my time with the students while I'm there. I think I've done a good job separating them so far, but I need to find a way to simplify what is happening there before the kids suffer.
The next few days should be pretty normal. I'm hoping to have friends over for a meal this weekend sometime and to hear from the place where I filled out an application for an apartment sometime soon. If I'm lucky I might even have a few hours to relax!
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