Frustration and Pain

You'd think after over 6 1/2 years of constant pain I'd know how to handle it and could just work through it and not let it effect me. As much as I wish that was the case it isn't true, which is why I am so frustrated right now. I will preface this whole post with this statement: it is a rant about and being in more pain than I can handle while wanting to be normal.

Today I worked 10-2 at Mathnasium and then 3-7 at Old Navy. Today was just long! I woke up feeling energized and in general pretty good. Work this morning just frustrated me because I couldn't focus on anything to save my life (and I have no idea why) plus I couldn't get the things I needed to done because my boss was in the way and not giving me time. In between jobs I ran a quick errand and then jumped right back into work at Old Navy. Now Old Navy is my "mindless" job. I truly enjoy working there because I have very little responsibility. I just have to be kind and help customers, fold/hang clothing quickly and properly, and make change accurately. It is simple and I work with some amazing people! My shift was fine, but by the end of it I was tired and didn't feel like looking for random things to do there since it was slow. Once I left I stopped at TJ Maxx to get a pot that would be big enough for me to make tomorrows meal in and then I went to Wegmans to go grocery shopping. I needed to get a bunch of stuff for the dinner I'm making tomorrow and for the week in general. By the time I got home it was 8pm.

Here is where the frustration comes out. A group of my friends were going to see live music tonight. I really wanted to be able to go with them. I'm trying to be more outgoing and to meet new people or at least see my friends more regularly. I got home and had to make a hard decision. Would my head let me sit through a few hours of loud music and I quickly figured out that the answer was no. I can barely handle the low music I have playing now and the fact that my light is on makes me want to hide. It isn't a migraine, but my body is attacking me for everything I am putting it through. I worked 60 hours this week, I averaged 6.5 hours of sleep a night, and the weather/pressure is changing which means that my body hates me. I'm so sick of being limited because of what my "head can handle." More than anything I want to be out with my friends right now, but I know I'd be miserable and that I wouldn't be able to function at all the rest of the night or most of tomorrow if I went. How is this a fair trade off? A few hours with friends for 24-36 hours of even worse pain. Why do I have to choose? I'm so sick of dealing with this. What I wouldn't give to be "normal" for a day. The only times I've been pain-free have been when I'm on strong medicine and can't function, which means it isn't anymore normal that being in pain. I'll be honest, I'm sitting here crying because I can't do what I want and because the pain is so bad. And the vicious cycle is that by crying I'm making my headache worse.

There are so many questions that I have regarding my headaches, especially when I'm put in situations like this. I try not to let them creep into my head. I've spent so long trying to ignore them and not let them run my life, but sometimes I just have to say it and get them out, if for no other reason than if they aren't just in my head and actually out there then maybe they won't plague me so much.
- Why do I have to deal with so much pain?
- What did I do to deserve this?
- Is anything I try ever going to work?
- Is it worth it to just do what I want and be with my friends anyway?
- Is there a better way to handle the pain and the stress of it?
- What's the point?!

Tonight is just a bad night. I know that it will most likely get a little better soon. It'll go back to my normal level of pain by tomorrow or in a few days, but for tonight I'm just trying to make it through. I go to a new neurologist on the 26th. Do I think she'll find a magic cure or think of something new to try, not really, I just know I haven't seen one in 2 years and there is a chance that something might work. I'm honestly trying not to get my hopes up because it hurts even more to have them crushed when whatever new thing I'm trying ends up not working. I try to keep some form of hope and believe that someday I might find a way to escape the pain or have it go away completely but it is really hard to do.

I know this wasn't a happy post by any means and I'm sorry, but when all of your friends are out and can't talk, or listen, I needed to find a way to get some of these emotions out so that I didn't burst. Tomorrow I'm hosting my first of what I hope will be monthly meals for friends. I will be cooking a traditional Iranian stew and having friends over to enjoy it. I'm looking forward to sleeping in and actually having a full day off! Plus I get to cook and share a meal with friends. I know it will be a good day, and no matter what I will not let the pain get in the way.