Contemplation

While I should be doing homework, or spending an hour relaxing before bed, I'm stuck in my head contemplating the events of the past week. It has been a very long, exhausting, and draining week but relatively normal (which is the scary part). This week is making me question what I'm doing with my life and how I'm living it. I'll give you a quick overview of my week and then expand on some of what is running through my head.

Monday: The beginning of the week always seems easy, and it is my "lightest" day. Work at school went well, nothing out of the ordinary, and then I had a few hours to do laundry and do some of those normal tasks life requires. Grad class went well. We are working on a project that stresses me out just because I feel so completely out of my element that I'm not sure how to continue through it but since it is a group project it somehow works out. The only downside of Monday was that grad class goes till 9, which means I didn't get home until 9:20ish and then still had a few things to do before bed.

Tuesday: Another typical day that felt longer than it should. I woke up exhausted even after sleep well all night. School was again good, slightly busier than usual but that just kept me doing things. Between jobs I crashed for a little while. I sat down and watched a tv show on my computer and then laid down for 30 minutes and completely passed out. I never do that when I nap, and I rarely try to nap, so that shows how tired I was. Work after that was okay. Right before our staff meeting I felt like I got something in my eye which was really annoying but I just kind of figured it would work itself out and that it wasn't a big deal. We had the staff meeting, which makes for a slightly longer than normal night but it went alright and I made it home a little after 8. I was physically drained, emotionally in a few different states of feeling, and mentally exhausted.

Wednesday: I again woke up tired, and still had something in my eye which was really painful. I made it through school but went straight to the doctor to get it looked at. Turns out I had a pencil shaving under my eyelid. One of the few work related injuries I can think of teachers getting. It felt significantly better once it was out. I ended up being a little late for work which was frustrating but things went smoothly. On Wednesdays I teach until 7:30. I just have to say that sometimes doing/teaching math for 9 hours a day is hard. By 7 I'm a little brain-dead and trying to teach pre-calc at that point is always interesting. After work I tried to relax but was starting to stress out about the amount of homework I have due Monday and just how I've been feeling. Not to mention I was fighting migraine level pain all day and it was seriously worse than I wanted to be dealing with. A good friend called me and made me get some of my thoughts out and made sure I was doing okay, but it was a rough night for sure.

Thursday: I woke up in a lot of pain again, which isn't new, just not something that is easy to deal with. School again went rather well. There were a few kids that were getting on my nerves but it was towards the end of my time there so it wasn't a big deal. Between jobs I got a chiropractic adjustment and a massage. It was a deal I got online and it was nice. My muscles were definitely looser afterwards but my headache was just as bad as normal. Work was alright. I was really frustrated because I was supposed to meet with my bosses again to discuss some of my concerns and just general business stuff but they had to reschedule, which shouldn't surprise me but it just added to my annoyances and frustrations with the whole situation. After work I talked with my group for our grad school project (the one that has been annoying me) for about an hour to discuss our next step. We did this because we had to email our professor that night with our next step (yay last minute work). I didn't end up getting to bed until 11-ish which doesn't sound like that, but I've been running on between 5 1/2 and 6 1/2 hours of sleep each night all week.

Friday (today): Another day with slightly less work and more "free" time. Work at school went well. It was a little weird because the kids had a pep rally at the end of the day for Homecoming so the schedule was mixed up more than usual but in general it was a pretty normal day. After work I came home and was actually productive! It was something I knew needed to happen but was kind of hard to do. I bought renters insurance, unpacked more kitchen stuff and did a load of dishes, set up a few things on the computer, and read over half of one of the crazy long articles for class. Then I ate dinner and tried to relax for 40 minutes before going into work. Old Navy was super busy tonight! I spent 3 1/2 hour folding clothing, which is as mindless as it sounds and is honestly wonderful! I have a few great coworkers which make it fun and not having to be really in charge of anything is super nice! Plus it's an easy job. I've still been in a lot of pain tonight which is hard. Most of my friends are camping, really close to where I was last weekend, but makes it hard. I can't be social because everyone is gone and I couldn't go because I couldn't get another weekend off work. I have enough homework to keep me busy so I'm not too worried about it, but I miss being around people regularly.

The rest of the weekend hold 8 hours of work tomorrow (Mathnasium and Old Navy) and then a large amount of homework. Most of tomorrow and Sunday will be spent doing homework. Since I don't have work at school on Monday I am hoping to be able to do some cooking and baking on Monday before class. I really want to make something in the new mixer my parents got me for my birthday!

Back to all of my crazy thoughts. I'm struggling with all of the physical pain. It's been pretty bad for a while now and I'm just having a hard time functioning through it. I don't have any choice but to do it, but it's not easy. What makes it harder is that it isn't something I can explain to people. No one can truly understand what it feels like to deal with it in less they are living through it. Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve it, and whether or not I can continue to live like this. More often I wonder if it'll ever get better and if there is any relief in sight.

I'm also trying to work through feelings about work and more generally what my future holds. I love working at school! I would love to have a full time teaching position but until that happens I'll take this position! The Math Lab is a lot of fun, I get great interactions and relationship with kids, I teach math for 5 hours a day without having to prepare or grade anything, and it's just enjoyable! Mathnasium is stressing me out. As much as I like the kids there is a lot of politics and drama that is making me question whether or not everything I put into it is worth it. The next few weeks/months will hopefully answer that question for me but it leaves me feeling very unsure.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed with things. I know next week will be even busier because I need to do a few full days at school and then go straight to work afterwards which will make for 12 hour days. I'm just hoping that at some point over the weekend my headache will stop being quite so bad and that I will be able to relax for a little bit. I just want to not feel like I'm trying to claw my way out of a deep, dark hole.

Life isn't as depressing as it sounds, I promise! I know I have a few friends, a few jobs that allow me to pay all of my bills, and the ability to think for myself. The weather should be great the next few days, and I will make something delicious this weekend!