A trying week

Without getting into the details of the week, I'll just say that it has been a long week. While work made it more difficult the main reason that this week was so hard was because of physical, and emotional pain caused by my medicine/ the side effects.

My neurologist had me start a medicine that I've been on before, so I knew a few of the side effects to expect but since I'm adding it to another medication that I've been taking I wasn't sure what else to expect. Over the past week and a half I've experienced some obscure feelings that are hard to describe. In addition to my fingers and face feeling tingly (only on and off and without warning), I've been nauseous to the point of not wanting to eat (which I knew was going to happen), and I've almost felt as if I've been out of my mind (which makes me sound crazy, but it is more that I feel as if I am thinking multiple things all at once and then watching myself thinking it all-ok maybe I am crazy). Both of the first ones are typical side effects on this medication so there isn't anything to worry about, it's just annoying. I got to the point where I just didn't want to eat, which meant that I was getting really tired despite getting 7 or 8 hours of sleep a night. By the end of most days I was wondering why I was still trying, why I cared, and what the point was. I'm still wondering all of those things. People try to remind me to "have hope" but after 6 1/2 years it's hard. When I feel like I can't make it through the day without a nap (or at all) hoping for an end to the pain is that much harder when there are side effects on top of the headache.

Luckily my random back pain that started last Saturday was gone by Wednesday for the most part. As long as I kept heat on it, it seemed to be fine. But mixing that pain on top of the headache and the side effects was just another stress to deal with making for a difficult week.

Saturday and Sunday have proved to be a slight reprieve. Saturday was full of work. 4 hours in the morning and then I forced myself to eat a real meal, probably my first in a few days, and then another 4 hours closing at Old Navy. Saturday night a good friend was willing to listen to me and forced me to talk. I needed it, it was difficult, and there is still a lot in my head and in my heart, but having some of it out helps. What also seemed to help was having some food in my system. The side effects weren't quite as bad Saturday night.

Today my head has been hurting worse than normal, but I've had the day off and I've taken advantage of it. I relaxed for a few hours this morning and just watched a few tv shows. Then I made my Halloween costume for a party next weekend. I even made a batch a peanut butter chocolate chip cookies (the recipe is in a post from a few weeks ago). I also made some chicken noodle soup with left over chicken broth and veggies that I had. It's been a productive day but being in more pain is hard. I was invited to hang out with a few friends tonight but just couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment. Between the pain and side effects I just can't do it, which sucks because I haven't been able to really be social all week. I am going to try to relax the rest of the night and go to bed early.

I know this sounds like a depressing post. Life isn't all bad. I have a Halloween party to look forward to next weekend, and work at school is going really well. I'm enjoying my grad class and I feel like I've been understanding it better lately which has been nice. There is a pumpkin carving get together Tuesday that I'm hoping to have enough energy to attend and when it comes down to it I know deep down that I have family and a few friends that love and care about me, and that is enough, for now.