Sometimes I realize that while working 50+ hours a week is necessary to some extent it is also draining me. On top of working I've been doing something between jobs everyday for the past two weeks, meaning that I have had very little down time from 7am until 8:30pm every day. Working in the city schools Tuesday and Thursday just ended this week so I will have a little bit more time during the week. Add a cold on top of everything and my delicate balance is thrown off. I didn't want to get out of bed most mornings because I was still exhausted despite getting a normal nights sleep. I just refused to admit that I was sick and worked through it all.
I did have a few good lunches and conversations with friends this week that made up for the lack of down time. It was nice to talk to these people. One of the conversations occurred at the Lilac Festival on a beautiful day! It reminded me how grateful I am to live in an area with such great parks! Today my friends had a mass birthday party for everyone in our group born in May. It was a gorgeous day out and well worth the time to spend in another park!
I've been thinking a lot about friendships and relationships lately and it's been a difficult topic for me to deal with. I've had a few good experiences that have reminded me that friendships are good and necessary. I have also had enough reminders of feeling, and being, brutally alone that I'm struggling to find a balance. I feel like I am back in elementary school learning how to make friends and be around people and not be scared in groups. I know I'm an introvert and sometimes I wish I wasn't because it seems like life would be so much easier if I could just talk to people in groups and get to know them. Don't get me wrong, if I'm at work/school I can teach a room full of people without a problem, but put me in the same room and have it be a social situation and I'm almost silent. This terrifies me because I don't want to end up alone. I am okay having a few good friends in my life, I like having a small group of people that are close to me. I just have a fear that I'm going to lose even that.
Today was my first full day off in 3 weeks. I know, I know... too much work! It wasn't even that relaxing which is what is sad. I tried to relax this morning, my body won't even let me sleep in anymore. I made it to 7:15, and laid in bed until 8:15 before finally giving in and getting up. I'm looking forward to having a few hours during my days this week (assuming I don't plan any lunches) to apply for more jobs and possibly relax. Plus this weekend is Memorial Day and in between jobs I'm hoping to see some friends who are camping nearby.
Balance is hard. I miss the days when I could stand on a 4 inch wide balance beam 4 feet off the ground and just walk back and forth and jump around. That was balance! Keeping your muscles in check so that everything stayed level and in the right areas. It was much more enjoyable than trying to balance work with a "social" life.
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